Black tube in a box = the Chokey

On Tuesday I had an Einstellungs test for those Bewerbungen deemed worthy of a second glance. I, and about 20 17 year-year-olds, filed into a room. Great. I'm the oldest by a looong shot. Then the lady administering the test was none other than the woman who gave me all the grief over my lack of Zeugnis on the phone. Oh boy.

After explaining how the morning would progress, she started up on me again about the Zeugnis things - right in front of everybody. She was clearly on a power trip. I once again replied that I had sent copies of everything I had, and there was literally nothing else to send, and that I'm sorry, but the paperwork in America is different. To which she responded that she was aware things were different in America as she herself had worked there for several years, but that everybody she'd met in America had a ???? with their school records which explained where they stood. Upon clarification, she seems to have always seen some sort of scale that explained how good one's GPA is. I had never heard of such a thing being included on a diploma/transcript - have you?? I said I had no such thing and had never heard of one (at which she pursed her lips and shook her head as if to insinuate that I was playing dumb, was dumb, or was ignorant) and told her perhaps one could find something online via a Google search. (as in, uh, anybody could find this out without making a huge deal in front of 20 other people) She was very condescending to me the whole time, and I tried to answer as politely as possible. She had nothing more to add. By the way, the best comparison I could find was here.

Moving along, she passed out the first section's test booklets. It was the English test. "Hi, my name IS Sally" or is is "Hi, my name ARE Sally". I'm not kidding, everything I saw on here was the same stuff Stefan teaches to his 5th and 6th graders! I thought, phew, a whole section that's a piece of cake, easy points. Then my throat tickled and I stifled it, eventually erupting in a horrific coughing fit! How completely embarrassing! The proctor asked if I needed to leave the room and find water. Yes, obviously, so out I ran, and somewhere in some office found a kind soul to pour me a glass of water. This made me miss time during the test, so I didn't get a chance to answer all the English questions before the time was up. Fantastic.

The next segments were all math. A few noteworthy things: 1) Multiplication and division signs are different in Germany, so that took me a minute to figure out. 2) mixed fractions?!?!? 3) I've always been a total idiot at math and apparently still am 4) word problems in a foreign language = not fun at all 5) I was also a total idiot when it came to physics and was reminded that nothing's changed there either as I sat trying to decipher physics word problems auf Deutsch. 6) the jobs/training programs I have applied for are the kind of work I've done over the past 10 years and let me tell you, math on the job (including budgets) has never been a problem for me and I've always been able to use a calculator, never mind that I hadn't had to do this kind of math since the early 1990's back in high school. I totally failed these sections too, I just know it.

We left numbers and moved onto words. This is usually my forte in any standarized exam except remember that this is a foreign language for me and my vocabulary is lacking - apparently. Analogies. Garten::Salat Weise:: ??? They were so easy, I could see it - Garden is to lettuce as field is to ???? except, for pete's sake, what of options A-E grows in a field??? I could rule out a few things, but then....gosh. I didn't know. The next section had us memorize 21 words in 3 minutes and then recall them and categorize them as either sport, edible, job, city, or not listed. Memorizing foreign words is tough enough, so I didn't remember quite all of them. On top of that, I had some words memorized who's meanings I didn't know. Unfortunately there were only a few cities, those were easy. Sigh. I know I failed these sections too because my random vocabulary wasn't up to par.

We had to do more math - addition and subtraction, like 234252 + 98776 = ? and 73625 - 47361 =? (as if somehow making the numbers longer was making it harder??) that was weird. I may have passed that section. Then a dictation, which I missed 2 words b/c they were slurred, but the rest of the thing was read as slow as molasses (how unlike a true office setting!) and if I missed anything I'll be shocked. By this time I was done - as in, this test is so stupid and has no bearing on the qualities I'll need to do well in an office.

Then comes the visual orientation. First, something akin to the Tangram games kids play and you see in IQ tests. Second, photos of clear plastic boxes with a black hose wadded up inside. The first picture was taken from the front, then you had to say from what angle the second photo was taken from (right, left, top, bottom, etc). Kind of fun, except that it was so stupid! Also I couldn't concentrate anymore b/c after 3.5hrs of the testing experience, I had a "what is the point?" attitude - and it was SO RANDOM! Like an SAT combined with an IQ test, and to top it off, I was totally bombing the thing. It was so obtuse it became funny. And then there was the rubber hose in a box - and everybody around me freaking out and stressing, making loud sighs, and slumping in seats. I'm sorry, I was grinning down to my paper b/c it was just too funny! The proctor was seated at the table about a foot from my face GLARING at me, I got the feeling she hated me. Which I just found funny.

She reminded me of the horrible teacher in Roald Dahl's book, Mathilda. She often acts sadistically to her pupils, ploughing straight through children so that they "bounce off her feet like farts", making regular visits to classes to show the teachers a few tips on discipline, throwing students out of windows and locking wrongdoers in a torturous contraption known only as "the Chokey."

I doubt I'll hear anything back from them. I wasn't very interested anyhow. Good thing too, I suspect!